In the past few weeks, plans have changed rather drastically. Part of the confusion with these changes is figuring out what it means to be intentional in this location without a clear sense of purpose or direction. On one hand, I don’t feel like I have to be “needed” for the trip to be worthwhile. I am open to living a life of prayer and looking for opportunities, but not forcing anything. The church is small but strong despite persecution, and is better able to witness to their country than I or any other Westerner could be.
On the other hand, I do have training in Bible and theology and feel gifted in discipleship. I’d love the opportunity to learn from their faith and experiences. But again, just because I have something to offer doesn’t mean I’m “needed.” I’m finding myself longing for connections and opportunities for mutual encouragement and enrichment, despite knowing that the church is doing fine on its own and that my presence might even bring unwelcome attention.
At times, I feel an activism in myself that wants to force the Spirit’s hand, an arrogance that assumes that “faith” means jumping right in. I sense the danger of using the local church and co-opting it’s story to serve my own desires and expectations of what being a Christian in a largely non-Christian culture entails. The change of plans has meant that everything is moving at a snail’s pace, and I feel pressure to do anything but keep waiting. In light of this, I find myself praying for the grace to do nothing but wait for God to give opportunities or not according to His will.