It has been 2 months since I exited the doors of Multnomah as an “alumna” for my first time. A girl with a master’s degree, and a ring on her finger.
I have had the sinking reality of school loans set in. It involved tears and screaming at the top of my lungs (more like a very disturbing roar with a lot of spit flying everywhere and a little dog running away from me for dear life). Maybe that was a break down. I still work at a “quick service” cafe and drive a borrowed car from my parents. I now live with my sister, and am trying to save up some money to move to Santa Cruz in October. After I get married. My fiance, Josh, lives down there, which menas we have the joy of sustaining and growing a long distance relationship in the midst of planning a wedding here. I just found my wedding dress, and really, am not too excited about it. Don’t ask me why. I think it’s becasue “they” (Hollywood, wedding magazines–which deserve a blog entry in and of themselves) always hype it up, like finding a wedding dress is the holy grail, your wedding planning climax. It’s not. It’s another thing to check of the list, quite frankly.
It is a lonely process, wedding planning. It can be lonely when your fiance lives hundreds of miles away, and it is challenging just planning a reading date on the phone. We aren’t doing (prepare yourself, Christian community) premarital counseling, so we are reading Sacred Marriage over the phone together instead. Or at least we are about to. And well, marriage counseling once we live in the same town will be in order.
It is hard to remember what it is like to hang out for a day with each other, what it is like to “do life” together–study, worship, socialize, rest, work, eat, fight, love, cry, laugh.
But, we are doing it. It is tough. It is tough knowing what to do about birth control (which I think deserves its own school on ethics, thought and philosophy), let alone which tie to buy for him when I don’t even know what his suit looks like. It is hard to register when we can’t just meet up one day and go to the store. We are getting married in less than three months, I am moving to a new state, will be going to a new church and will be eagerly looking for a job. (Eh-hem. Anyone?) It’s just strange, all this planning and waiting.
I miss my seminary community. I miss New Wine meetings, and the smell of the entrance of Travis Lovett when the sun has been baking in and it’s this weird little pressurized oven between the first set of doors and the second. I miss rushing to get coffee during lecture breaks, and I miss that adrenaline rush when I am about to finally finally, by the grace of God, finish a paper.
And now, my mind is filled with the wonderous waiting. Waiting to get married, pack, move, make new friends, start a new community, find the best coffee shops and running trails, and leave. Leave a city that is my home. A city that never ever bores me, and never fails to feed me new food (hello food carts! Is it just me or are they multiplying by the dozens every week?), give me the best cup of coffee ever and surround me with beautiful flowers, trees, rain and sun.
So, I guess I am just checking in. I know that it is summer. Finally. Sort of. At least it was two days ago. But life is strange, and I just had a tearful conversation last night with Josh that went something like this, “by the time we are able to maybe, barely afford to have a kid, will we be too old, anyway?” I never thought I would face the reality that, as Josh puts it, “kids just may not be in the cards for us”. I am trusting and praying they are. Honestly, I cannot conceive (no pun intended) of not ever being a mom, but it is so strange to even have to consider that (!)
So, there you have it. Thoughts from an engaged, recently graduated Seminarian with a heap of debt and giant, bulging files of class notes to show for it. The only way to find joy in all of this, I am proved over and over again, is to really, truly press in to the loving arms of the one who is masterfully, carefully, and intentionally behind and in all of this. So glad it’s not all on my shoulders.
Kelsi,
Fear is the first thing that comes to mind as I read this. It seems as though you are feeling overcome with anxiety and worry over your future.
Thanks for your willingness to share honestly and from the heart.
Long distance relationships are hard. I know it first-hand. I understand. It’s not easy to endure. It is easy to question and worry and second guess.
Grieving the end of Seminary and your time (for now) in Portland is appropriate, but do not let it rob you of the Joy that should be present right now in your life through the Blessings God has given you. Isn’t it ironic that the reasons you have for Joy and Celebration are the very things which are causing you such grief this moment?
Be aware of the Enemy and his attempts to shift your focus.
I know it’s hard work. The distance, planning, decision-making, the letting go and moving forward- it’s worth every bit. It will all pay-off. Sacrifice produces satisfaction you would have never known had it not cost you.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Isaiah 55:12 – “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.” (NIV)
Satan we pray against you and bind you in the name of Jesus concerning these matters. Jesus strengthen and encourage Josh and Kelsi. Protect them. Fill them with your Peace that passes all understanding. Give them great Joy!
Ephesians 3:20,21 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen
Enjoyed reading this though the acoustics are weird perhaps an echo.
i just want to give a nice little +1 to the sacred marriage book: so.dang.legit.
also, my professional experience consistently reveals that premarital counseling is okay, but it’s the immediate post-marital counseling that can be transformative. where i served, we actually set it up as 2-3 sessions (1hr sessions) of premarital counseling and then 5-7 sessions starting about 3-4 weeks after the honeymoon. ALL of our couples were like, we had NO idea that we would want to come back and talk with you! haha.
blessings upon you and yours!
Kelsi,
Why you share such precious pearls with all of us swine out here is really amazing. Seriously, that’s the thing with you, Kelsi. You are so very generous with people. You’re generous in the way that you share yourself, letting people see you as you are and not as you think you “should be.” The way you speak is so refreshing and the gift you give the rest of us is so totally precious. As for the marriage and family fears. Well, you know I married a woman with three kids back in the day. Yeah we were pretty poor, but not for long. I’ve been poor (but I’ve never known real poverty) and I’ve mad a lot of money too (but again, compared to some I was still poor). I guess what I’m saying is that if we waited for the “perfect conditions” we would never get married, go to grad school, start our own business, or have children. And besides, you’ll be a great mom! Good hearing from you again. Looking forward to your wedding!
Your friend,
Chris
P.S. talked to Maylannee, she says we need to get together:have you over or take you out to eat in the next couple of weeks (her special diet will be over in two more weeks). We’ll give you a call.
Hi Kelsi, I appreciate your open heart and letting us all in. It is making me miss you. Let’s get together real soon. Chris and I want to take you to dinner (your choice, food cart or fancy), but we have to wait until I get off my diet (less than 2 weeks to go, yay!)
As for having children, don’t let your financial status or age be a deciding factor – Chris and I raised three kids and we didn’t have any savings or make much money for the first decade, but there was a lot of love to go around and things worked out. I have a sister and other friends in their 40s having children and LOVING it! (Remember, 40s is the new 30s.). But you’re not even in your 30s so you have plenty of time!
We’ll talk more when we meet. You’re in a good place in life, a lot of wonderful things to look forward to. You’re hope is in the right Person, so I’m confident things will be well and I’m happy for you! Can’t wait to see you!
Kelsil, I’ll see you in a few days but thought I would share my thoughts on your blog post. First, I read nothing worth reading that prepared me for marriage (and I read sacred marriage and preparing for marriage both highly recommended and disappointing:) However, I cannot tell you how important our friends and family and their words of encouragement were and are. And, our vows! For some reason these get passed over as viable support, we sort of wrote ours and remembering them and learning from them has been more useful than the “work book” we filled out. Now, theologically, God loves us extremely, its not a chore or a role or a routine where we do our thing (let’s say the dishes) and he does His (maybe its the laundry) and then the whole Kingdom runs smoothly. It is true some one has to do the dishes and the laundry but dude its way more fun together and in love. Secondly, our marriages are not the supreme vision of Christ, the Church is. I often lose sight of this and think I’m fulfilling the kingdom by being married, this is both egocentric and bad theology. We are, married or single, widowed or divorced, only meant to unite in love as His followers. My marriage should speak to that unity, not merely (but not excluding) the unity I might have with my husband. Love ya, R
Thanks all for your encouragement….it is now a mere 5 days away ’till the big day and aside from a nasty cold I somehow picked up, I must say I have been feeling like a princess with all the love that has been showered on me. I think that is what makes this time so special is the undeserving love and support that your community and fiance showers you with even when all you can do is write and re-write to-do lists (or maybe that’s just me). More than anything else, it has truly reminded me how important it is for me to show love to others because I am understanding how much the love that has been showered on me has truly carried me through this time. And that then helps me to understand the nature of our loving God who gives me this community. I really miss New Wine and am dying to know who you all are now and how it is going to ebb and flow.
Hey Kelsi (& former summer roommate), By now you’ve entered into the beautiful and refining life of marriage! Like Rachel said, I don’t know any marriage book prepares you for what it means in your situation for ‘the two to become one’. However, I highly enjoyed The Mystery of Marriage: When Iron Sharpens Iron by Mike Mason. And I also highly recommend getting marital counsel. I agree that friends are family and their support is invaluable, but when moving to a new place- your friends & family aren’t there! It’s nice to have that ‘go to’ (even paid!) person who will help you realize you’re not crazy and yes, it’s normal to go through that phase, etc. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! You made me miss Portland. I bet you do too. But mainly I miss the beautiful gorge, all those day hiking trips, and friends! Blessings.
Hello Kelsi,
Thanks for your meaningful and open reflection on post-seminary life. I am grateful to the Lord that you have been and will continue to be a vital participant in the life of New Wine, New Wineskins.
God’s blessings to you and Josh.