I’m new with this group – like about a week new. I haven’t really been part of a “small group” of fellow Christians for several years now so I feel little out of my element. My last experience with a formal group of Christians was a church that I had planted and led for about seven years – that was a few years ago now.
Oddly enough, the challenge for me in coming on board with New Wine has not been meeting new people – that’s actually been the easy part and the people in New Wine have been really great to me and my wife. Being part of New Wine feels refreshing and hopeful but it also feels a little bit like déjà vu and vertigo. I’ll need to explain.
When I left LA in December ’07 I left it all behind…
I left my hometown of 40 years. I left my remodeled four bedroom house with a Jacuzzi bathtub (I now live in a little house with pealing paint). I left my circle of friends (my band of brothers), my family members including our youngest daughter, and my neighbors of ten years. And with all of that I’ve left, I confess that the hardest thing I’ve had to leave behind has been my identity, “Pastor Chris”
Since moving to Portland I have struggled deeply with these issues surrounding identiy, belonging and usefulness and I have been haunted by these questions: “Will I ever be good again?” “Am I of any use?”
I recently discovered that I am not the only one struggleing with these issues of work and soul and in fact, I’m presently sharing this foxhole with two of my new Portland friends, Jeff and Johnny. Despite the fact that both of these guys are very skilled in their fields, Johnny and Jeff have been working for months now under the stress of impending corporate layoffs and the uncertainty of finding work in this fragile job market- John has been with his company for twenty-five years! We have a saying among the three of us, “This affects us all, man.”
With the help of some wonderful people, God has been gradually weaning me off a “Pastor-Chris Driven Life.” He’s teaching me to look elsewhere for my significance and identity and He’s teaching me to let go of things that I once thought I couldn’t live without. It’s a totally different way of life for me – it’s like I’ve moved to Mars. There is a haunting scene in the movie Schindler’s List that really captures the essence of what I’m talking about. I identify with the man with only one arm who is defending not only his job but his very life as he pleads with the SS officer, “But I am useful!” (But wait, isn’t our “reason for being” as humans to serve God and be “usefull” to his kingdom?)
This region of soul I’ve just shared with you is not merely “personal” (not just for me) but it’s relational. You see, as we continually allow God to re-orient our “reality”‘; as we learn the difference between living from Love instead of for Love; and as we learn to recieve our identity from a place of “rest” (very counter intuitive isn’t it?), we will inevitably be confronted with this question:
Will I now learn to love others…even the ones who don’t appear to be of any real “use” to me?
Your thoughts?
An informative, insightful look at Chris and his need to find out about his “use.”
From a personal point of view, I see him as someone who is continuing to persue his relationship with God and sending positive input to those of us fortunate enough to be acquainted with him.,
that’s cool Chris… yes the old identity issue… me favorite chain to yank in me soul as well… but I Love your thought of my identity coming from a place of rest… Yes that is something I could actually live with… at some point I decided to place my identity in Him on the Tree… and that is what I’ve Decided… and yet my soul is yanked around daily with all the other Stuff… it changes flavors… depending on my latest endeavors… but it always colors itself around that… acting… kiting…. “how I’m doing w/ my friends”… and now.. comedy… oh.. and aging.. yes even numbers jump into the mix… for now I’m hanging on to the REst Thing…
It figures that my first Blog response would be you… Thanks for being you…
Thanks for sharing Chris. You are definitely not alone on this one. Usefulness according to the world is redefined in the Kingdom of God. Recently, I was reminded of this through a close friend of mine. Through confession, he has been brought to the deepest depth of desperation and dependence on God that he’s ever experienced. He’s fighting battles of identity concerning his worth and how he can be of use to God ever again. It’s been emotionally and physically draining on me as I’ve walked with him in during this time. However, I’ve been encouraged by seeing the Spirit of God work in Him. His submission to the convicting power of God is an example which has rippled out of him and into me. I’d say that’s a pretty significant “use” that seems pretty unproductive to the world.
How can I love non-useful people if I don’t even like them? If they don’t do anything for me, it’s hard for me to care. And yet, somehow I am learning to care and to love. But it’s not me – it comes through me and out of me, but it’s certainly not me. Funny thing is, at times I don’t even feel like I’m exerting any energy. That must be the “rest” thing you are talking about. Allowing God to work through me without me struggling to make it happen – even, I daresay, while I’m resting. Hmmm, what a concept. I think I like it.
You got it Ben. Letting God re-orient our “reality” is truly a life-long process. I like the fact that you have allowed the “ripples” of your friends struggle to penetrate your own soul. Often times I think we see the “poor in spirit” in others and we just assume that if we are to be of any “use” to them, then we must be “strong in spirit” i.e. “competent” and we fail to even consider the fact that they may have something to teach us in their “poverty.” I suspect that this blind spot is at least partly due to our societel “default setting” which is “professional” and “clinical.” Not dissing the professionals, they’re cool – just saying, “Blessed are the poor in spirit.”
Maylannee, love the candor – very refreshing and you make a good point.
If God is the one who supplies us life and provides us with our identity – an identity that we do not generate or sustain with our efforts, then doesn’t it make sense that he would also provide us with motivation and the capacity for being “fruitful” i.e., loving the nieghbor?
“As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you…” Jn.15:4. Haven’t we discovered how easy it is to get burned out and discouraged when we are trying to be more “Christian” than we really are?
WWCD
Are you useful, and what is your identity? Identity : is whatever makes an entity definable recognizable, or ones individuality. Then yes, I recognize you as Chris Laird husband, father, friend to many, but most important son of God and friend and brother of Christ.
This is to be our identity. John 13:35 “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love one for another.”
We talked about taking up the cross as part of our identity and usefulness with Christ. What is the cross? It is Love. Love is what it was always about, and is to be your identity. Everything else is a talent or a gift, but your identity is Love. The whole act of the Cross including payment for our sins, is LOVE. “For GOD so loved the world that he sent His only begotten Son to die, for our sins.” The whole act was Love. Christ was obedient to the Father, because of His Love to the Father, and His Love of Us. We take up Love when we take up the Cross. He wanted only that we find our identity in Him, In His Love, and the price only he could pay. To take up the Cross is to show we understand what was done for us. The Love and the price paid for the Love, the relationship, Adam and Eve in the Garden relationship, naked before the the Creator and Savior of the universe. Naked and glad to be naked. I am my Beloved and He is Mine. In fact he says that “we have ravished His heart with one look of our eyes.” WE have ravished His heart.
Your usefulness is simple; If you Love me. Feed my Lambs, Take Care of my Sheep, Feed my Sheep.
6468 Commands in the bible, after the Cross only two matter. Because all the rest are Finished!
Jesus replied. ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
To simple I know, The truth of it and the simplicity of it still confound the wise and the scholars.
He came because of and for Love, he came for you and me. You are useful and your identity is with Him when you “Love.”
I love the visual of the guy in Shindlers List. I don’t remember the scene, but I can picture this guy defending his usefulness because his life depended on it. Like you Chris, I can identify with this guy. If he doesn’t have anything constructive to offer, there is no need for him…he has become irrelevant and useless. I think I can speak for most men…definitely speaking for myself – I fear this. I know cognitively that through God’s grace I have been chosen, adopted, accepted (ephesians 1), and given value because of Christ. It is one thing to know it, and another to live it. I am reminded of the character in the movie “Simon Birch.” This little guy with a physical deficiency wanted to believe that God had a purpose for his life, that one day he was going to be a “hero”. He annoyed the heck out of the “minister” saw Simon as useless and could not concur that God had a plan for his life. I sometimes feel like Simon Birch, hoping that God really does have a plan and a purpose for me. Again, my theology tells me this is so, but reality sometimes seems to contradict.
Sean, So the Beatles had it right then, “All you need is L…” Seriously, you make a good point. God’s love is the cause of everything, Creation, The Cross, this Life and the Next. The question that I like to explore with people these days is, “How’s that working for you?” I think it tends to keep the dialogue grounded and transparent. As for myself, I’ve come to believe that the Love you refer to is what allows me to stand before him – and to stand before you with this confession. It’s that Love that enables me to be honest with God and with you about my struggles, fears and doubts. God’s love is not demanding nor is it unaccepting of me but rather, his love makes room for me unconditionally, regardless of where I happen to be – he only asks that I stay honest with him. This love we’re talking about is the love that invites us to come out of hiding – hiding from behind our fears, our failures, our pride, and even our theology. His love creates space for us to come before him and to remain before him ‘as we are’ and not as we think ‘we should be’. Without this Love, I would never come out from hiding, I would never risk being known. The problem that I’ve noticed with myself is that, in spite of His great Love, I sometimes still prefer to hide.
Great to hear from you.
Ruthie, I’m glad you like the dialogue. I figured you would. We’ve been talking about rest for a long time now. I wonder if there is anything to the wording in the 23 Psalm, “He MAKES me to lie down…” Why do we have such a hard time with this? You would think that resting in the finished work of Christ would be such a “no brainer” – maybe that’s it – maybe our brain keeps getting in the way.
Thanks for weighing in. C
Chris, this is something I struggle with every day! Feeling insecure about my usefulness to others and somehow feeling like I have to “prove” my existence by pleasing others. It’s scary because my concerns really are more for pleasing people than pleasing God. I actually have to think long and hard about what a life like that would even look like. It’s so challenging to serve an invisible, mysterious God when instead we can please our co-worker, professor, friend or roommate and get much more immediate, tangible results (and then convince ourselves that we deserve a nice place on this earth). While it is our calling to serve and love others, I am in the midst of trying to re-define what drives me as well. So…know you are not alone. Your last question hit me because I realize that loving others for no personal gain is truly when love manifests itself to be so deep, mysterious and gratifying. I think it’s only when we selflessly and recklessly love others and put ourselves out there when we really taste the miraculous fruits of true love. Thanks for the reflection.
Kelsi, “…miraculous fruits of true love”…Yes, very cool – and if that’s what we’re talking about, then we shouldn’t be surprised that we haven’t figured out an easy formula for mass-producing it – last time I checked, the “miraculous” was still in God’s domain.
If the miraculous is in his domain, what does this mean for us? How do we participate?
I think we tend to underestimate the power of “spilling our soul” and coming clean with each other. I am so encouraged by people like yourself who have candidly shared with us the places where they’re attached and struggeling with “less than miraculous” motives, mentalities and practices. I’m convinced that because we have risked to “spill our souls”, this thread has become more than a blog – I see it now as a collective confession and a corportate prayer:
“God, renew our hearts (new wineskin) that we may drink more deeply from your amazing love (new wine) and increase our capacity for sharing this ‘miracle fruit’ with our brothers/sisters and our neighbors.” Amen?
Amen! I think Preacher Chris is coming out.
I resonate with Maylanee, I am so useful, I can’t stand to be around those who aren’t. I pride myself on how self sufficient I can be. Chris I am refreshed by you. You once said there is a winsomeness to our group and I need winsomeness everyday, I need rest everyday. Christ has shown me to love myself, even as I see how unlovable I am, how holier-than-thou, bossy, controlling, anal, and goody-two-shoes I can be. Thanks all for sharing.
Rachel, you really honor us with your tranparency. Maylannee really liked it- she said you took her thoughts and went even deeper. Your candor and confession is refreshing indeed! Thanks for spilling some soul with us on a tough subject!
I grew up hearing a message, mostly implied, that my purpose depended on my service to God and by serving God and doing his bidding I could be assured of finding favor with God and fulfillment in this life. This seemed reasonable, since after all, if I was created by God to be used by God, then what higher purpose could there be but to fulfill God’s purpose by being useful to him? For years I embraced that reality and “purpose” and I wore a yoke of doing and serving but that yoke over time became a burden. Over the years, God has had to reformat my heart, assuring me that I was not created just for fulfilling his purpose from a place of “doing” to achieve something or to prove something to myself and others.
Lately I’ve been asking new questions:
Could my purpose simply be to share life with Him and he with me?
Is it possible that from out of that relationship flows everything else in life (Baxter Kruger)?
Could it be that simple, this one essential thing that I ultimately need be concerned with or care about?
I continue to struggle with an identity that is not based in “having to do” or in “trying to be” someone – this struggle is really uncomfortable.
There is a splinter in my brain that tells me that it should be enough to know that I have been embraced in the communion of the Trinity and that I have a Brother who sits next to God up high. When I consider why I had kids and why God would create me, it sounds right that such a relationship is king. But the struggle to live from this new place drives me to find refuge in friendships like these and it drives me back to the God who made me and knows me – he must know how hard it is for me to rest in him. Though I barely know what it means to live from the embrace of the Trinity, all I can hope for is to know the deeper person of Christ, the One who alone is able to invade all the different facets of my life.
Chris, great post. Keep it coming…
Hey Mark, I feel like I have a true companion in this journey. I love your questions, “Could my ‘purpose’ simply be to share life with Him…Could it be that simple?” A million voices seem to shout – “No, it’s not that simple!” I agree with you that the struggle is really tough and I think your right that if we let it, the struggle works for good in that it drives us back to God as well as into the comfort and encouragement among our true friends. As we’ve discovered, the world and sometimes the church will look at you kind of crazy when you ask the questions we’re asking. I’ll keep the posts coming if you promise to keep asking these beautiful, painful and yet hopeful questions.
To be honest, I’m really not too crazy about one-armed people …
You must not be too crazy about your Skins QB since he doesn’t have an arm either.
Hello Mr. Laird,
I could not resist responding to your question. I think far too often we invert the paradigm that is why we only love those who are useful for us. How about being useful because we are loved? Our use is not anything but the fact that we are object of His love. Some called it imputation. We are useful to God and His kingdom because He loved us, as He still does. Remember what Paul wrote? God demonstrated His own love for us in this, in that while we are still sinners Christ died for us. It seems to me that a holy God has no use for sinful man. However, that holy God loved this sinful man so that in His love and affections h ehad actually become useful for Him, ” a vessel fit for the master’s use”, as those carnal Corinthians were.
I am really tired of having to look myself in the mirror every end of the day and asked, “Was i worth my life today?” Or that, “did i have something worth dying for today that made this day worth living for?”
Somewhere, somehow, deep within the deepest recesses of my fallen mind and in the most alienated abysses of my heart, there is a voice that assures me ever so confidently that, in Christ, i am unconditionally and “deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally acceptable and complete.” And this is neither a mantra nor a platitude.
I have gone through life with some hits, a few runs, and a lot of errors. Those costly errors tell me that I ain’t amount to anything- that i got nothin’ and nothin’s got me. And if i were to be graded on the curve, I ain’t gonna make it through the night.
But He told me He loves me. And i trust Him and believe what He said. And i think for the life of me, growing up I am becoming like a child. Because that’s all that really matters. That’s all my usefulness.
JESUS loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong,
they are useless, but He loves them nonetheless.
I am loved, therefore I am- no apologies to Descartes’ COGIT ERGO SUM!
AMOR OMNIA VINCIT!
Basking in the light of my usefulness in Him,
Bobby V.A. III
I know I’m a little tardy on my comment but…as I reflect on the last year and a half, He’s definitely had me learning about His love and now I’m finding how to hold it and give it. I cry more than ever, but yet I feel more alive than ever! I tossed my old wineskin and I’m getting to know how to wear the new one which is Awesome!!! I’ve even lately hung out with a homeless lady and shared some really sweet time. People are the treasure. Thank you for provoking good thoughts!
Hey Lisa,
Good to see you on the thread. It’s truly amazing the way that He threads together “crying” and “being alive” into one beautiful tapestrty. It’s so liberating to know that there is room for both – we don’t have to fall to despair and yet we don’t have to deny the pain. I used to thing that it was one or the other: either Pain OR Joy but in this life of faith its Pain AND Joy, Death AND Resurrection, Losing AND Gaining. It’s crazy but it’s true and in this way He somehow redeems it all! I rejoice with you and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
C
Brevin stared at the far wall, Tykir at the table, Lanthan at Brevins back. With one last pat on Erikins arm, she left them to climb the staircase alone. Eyrhaens inability to control her gifts has brought about changes that should benefit us all. Rhaes markings stood out on his black skin, almost glowing in the amply lit arena. Dont put me to sleep. You told me to mind my elders. Im eager to see this spell. Im here should you need me, he murmured, folding his legs underneath him. First Gala, then Radin crowded close, surrounding her with warmth. Steeling herself, she turned to face Brevin. Goddess, the raw physical power of him was intoxicating. She probably deserved their scorn, but really, enough was enough. A gasp puffed past her lips as Lanthan pressed a kiss just underneath her ear. No more prompting was necessary. She caught sight of Tykir and Brevin kissing behind him, but not much more. She ended up draped over his chest, her cheek resting over his heartbeat. Without my presence, would Eyrhaen have been such a danger? But I knew theyd eventually leave me. She blinked, thankful that hed broached the subject. He watched, eyes hooded, as she climbed to her knees, then edged toward him.